The Dating Game

 by Dennis Komis

True or False? Dating is an activity where single young people get to know each other while having a fun time. Actually, if you scratch the word "single" and define "young" as anyone under the age of 100, that statement is absolutely true.

Why is it that most people consider the concept of dating a premarital activity? Perhaps it’s because our thinking has been influenced by popular conceptions of dating as illustrated on television shows like "The Dating Game" or "The Bachelor." While Christians may disagree with this "eenie, meenie, minie, moe" approach to finding a date or may disdain the very concept of young singles dating alone, there is one time and place for dating no one can dispute: dating your spouse after the vows.

As a marriage counselor, I have found that a favorite homework assignment for couples working on making a weak relationship strong or a strong relationship stronger is the weekly date. While I can recall some couples complaining about difficult reading or writing assignments, I’ve never received a complaint from a husband or wife when I assign them a date as homework.

Definition

For counseling purposes, let’s consider a date to be a married couple (no children allowed!) getting away from the home for at least one hour to do something enjoyable together. "Why all the fuss—arranging a babysitter, getting dressed up, going away, spending money?" I hear you ask. "Can’t we just have some quality time together at home after the kids go to bed?" Fair question. But let’s be honest. After a long, hard day, how much energy do you have left? And how many household distractions interrupt your marital fellowship? Ringing telephones, pagers, computers, television, dishes in the sink, a dripping faucet, laundry waiting to be folded, rooms needing to be tidied up, recliners and remotes pleading for you—these are but a few matters that can cause your attention to focus on something other than your spouse.

Purposes

Why all the excitement and effort? The value of a weekly date for husbands and wives is evident in the scriptural purposes for such times together. First, consider the date a "mini-vacation"; that is, a short-term getaway from the responsibilities of work and home. "Come apart . . . and rest a while" (Mark 6:31) is the wise counsel of the Savior to those busily engaged in a life of ministry.

Second, dating is an educational instrument; it gives you the opportunity to know your spouse better. Spouses who focus on each other without the usual distractions are better able to satisfy the imperative in 1 Peter 3:7: "Dwell with them according to knowledge."

The third purpose for marital dating is just to enjoy one another’s company. Don’t forget that God plans for the believer’s enjoyment (1 Timothy 6:17). Having fun, playing games, and laughing together, just as you did before marriage, renews your love and refreshes your spirit to return to the work God has for you. Read the greatest romance story ever written, and you will find repeated expressions of delight at the thought of being in a spouse’s presence (Song of Solomon 1:4; 2:8, 10-14; 4:8; 7:10-12; 8:14). When was the last time your spouse heard you say, "Come away, my love?" Let your weekly date become the highlight of your week, and tell your spouse how greatly you look forward to it!

To maximize the benefit of marital dating, I suggest the following guidelines:

Rule # 1. No children! I stress this point not because we don’t love our children, but because we do. When Mom and Dad go out together, it offers the child a short-term opportunity to live without their direct supervision. Of course, parents must ensure that the one to whom they entrust their child is a responsible, caring individual. Assuming this to be the case, the child’s obedient behavior in the absence of the parents is a demonstration of maturing character (Philippians 2:12: "not in my presence only . . . but much more in my absence"). More importantly, children benefit from seeing their parents demonstrate a commitment to the marriage relationship that prioritizes it above the children. This model of a loving, romantic relationship will go a long way in preparing children for the kind of marriage they will seek to have one day.

Rule #2. No exceptions, no excuses. Be as devoted to keeping this weekly appointment as you would be if it were a meeting with your boss or the President of the United States. Yes, unexpected hindrances may arise (sickness, power outage, last-minute overtime at work), so you need to be flexible in life, but do not allow other people or events to unnecessarily come between you and your spouse. As in golf, you might allow yourself two "mulligans." That is, twice a year each spouse is permitted to request the rescheduling of a date due to some pressing matter.

Rule #3. No serious discussions/decisions. Dates should be fun times away from the weightier matters of life. Sure, you need to talk about Bobby’s school detention or Susie’s need for braces or the company’s offer of a transfer, but put them on the back burner while you enjoy each other. When you return home refreshed, you’ll be in a much better frame of mind to think and decide upon significant issues.

Rule #4. No passing off planning. The husband and wife should take turns planning the date and arranging the babysitter. Alternate responsibility from week to week. Mark your calendar for the year with each other’s initials so you can plan ahead. For example, he sees that the free art exhibit (something she would love!) is on display "his" week, so he makes plans to take her there. She notices the advertisement for the upcoming Demolition Derby, so she surprises him with tickets.

Rule #5. No untidy dating. Spruce up. Remember how long and hard you worked to look your best for your beloved when you were engaged? Why not show the same concern after marrying him or her? Taking the time to change out of work clothes, to freshen up, and to look and smell good makes a statement: "I’m still wooing my beloved!" Read the Song of Solomon to see how a couple in love notice and compliment each other on their attractive appearance and fragrance (1:3, 10, 15-16; 3:6; 4:1-7; 5:10-16; 6:1-10; 7:1-9).

Possibilities

"But we can’t afford to date" is your next objection. Beyond the trite response "You can’t afford not to date," let it be said that money is nice but not necessary for a date. Obviously, if you have the money to dine at a fine restaurant, do it on occasion, but even if you don’t, you can use a little thrifty creativity to come up with some enjoyable outings. Here are some activities (most of which cost little or nothing) that my wife and I enjoy:

My closing admonition is to you husbands: Men, we are to be the leaders in our families, so let’s show our wives we’re "taking charge" of this vital area of our marriage relationship. Take the initiative to make a new habit of dating. To you who are pastors I charge, "Take your wife out!" Set the example for the other men in your church who look to you as a pattern of what a godly husband is and does. May the rekindled flame of marital romance spread among God’s people in a manner that illustrates Christ’s great compassion for the Church and glorifies the One who "nourisheth and cherisheth" His bride (Ephesians 5:29).

Dennis Komis is an assistant professor of Biblical Studies, and teaches Bible and counseling classes on the undergraduate and graduate levels.       Dating Game.pdf